Humanoia
by The Coyote
Summary: Through a freakish waffle accident involving one too many cherries, Gir gets one wish, and he wishes to be human. Now that Gir is more successful than he, is Zim jealous?
1. I'm makin' waffles!

(A/N: This is gonna be so much fun to write... Gir is awesome, but I also have a Dib fanfic in my head. Don't make me bring it out! Anyways, this'll be just a sweet little story of an alien kid and his robot. Yeah, and ZIM gets jealous, Gir gets one wish granted, and there are glowy waffles aplenty! This is gonna be so fun to write...) 

"Wheeeeeee"  
"Gir"  
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"  
Gii-iir"  
"Wheeee-heee"  
"GIR"  
"Yes, my master"  
Zim ripped the vibrant little robotic fiend off his head, tossing him away and rubbing his head gingerly. No matter how much the little junk heap wanted to, he just couldn't use his head as a drum. It wasn't ethical. The little monster of steel was standing in front of the small Irken, hand raised in a salute, eyes an obedient red.  
"Just... go make some waffles. I am feeling the unpleasant feeling of hunger in my squeedely-splotch."

Gir squealed in delight and ran off, up into the house unit to the kitchen, where he presumed to tear apart the kitchen in hopes of finding waffle ingredients. Zim sighed and turned back to the computer, analyzing analogies of the human structure, in hopes of finding a way to become more human-like on the outside. He had been stuck on this filthy planet for three years, and many earth monkeys were beginning to become suspicious. Dib was still on his tail every second of the way through his life, and it was becoming tiring. How he wished to just pluck out Dib's eyes and brain and be done with it. But alas, that would require a lot of more hiding, and eyes would be watching poor ZIM, and earth would never be his. Ah, well. Best just find a way to lookmore humane, and find little ways to play vendetta with Dib. The Irken sighed and moved through numerous porn sites, unfortunately finding a few too many female earth bodies, when he need a male. They were all grossly disfigured aswell.  
"Disgusting..." Zim hissed, spending two hours more searching the human internet coming up with pornography before finally settling on a scientific research site.

XXXXxxxxXXXX

Gir eventually decided that he had everything you need to make waffles. Piled up on the kitchen table was a list of things: Eggs, cheese, flour, corn, dishwasher detergent, salami, blueberries, sugar, cornmeal, corn flakes, lucky charms, cream cheese, raspberries, walnuts, pistachio ice cream, bananas, a pummelo, toilet bowl cleaner, black olives, French bread, soap, bacon, moldy mozzarella, and one cherry.

Gir sang a little song as he placed everything in a large bowl, the cherry falling to the floor as he scooped everything up. It took a while, but after stirring and stirring and singing and singing "Doo, doo doo-doo," for the longest time," a great mass of what looked like what used to be a frog, but was run over by an SUV, scraped off the pavement, put in a fryer, set out to dry, then put in a pestle to be ground into a fine powder, in which curdled milk was added, then set in the sun for five days. But Gir ran a synthetic tongue over synthetic lips anyways, licking the spoon, shorting out his synthetic taste buds.

"Yummy! Piggy, try some of Gir's waffles!" The pig, who barely ever moved in the first place, did not move, blinking lazily and ignoring the crazed robot and it's curdled waffle batter.

"Aww, come on!" cried Gir, shoving the spoon under the pig's nose, thus causing its eyes to roll up into its head and fall into a coma, perhaps never to wake up after smelling that awful smell. Gir sighed empathetically and the spoon fell from his hand. The disappointed sigh changed to a happy little "whee" as Gir dived after it, rolling on the floor and giggling to himself as he chased after the problematic spoon. He had been down there for what seemed like minutes, when he squealed again, jumping to his feet. The lone cherry was in his hand.

"I almost forgot the cherry, piggy," he sang,. And with a dramatic flourish of the cherry-wielding hand he dropped the small fruit in.

For a moment it simple sat on the top of the thick gloop, but then it sank, melting away, the batter hissing and spitting as it accepted the final ingredient. For a moment it seemed as if it had taken it well, and could very well be used in a waffle iron to produce patterned bread, but then the most strangest of things happened. And for Gir, who had happened to see a lot of strange things, "ooed" and "ahhed", watching as the waffle batter glowed a violent green.

"So pretty," he cooed.

(A/N: Actually, I had to shorten this chapter. If I want this to be a decent length story, I'll need chapters that end up a little less than 100o somethin' words.)


	2. Wishin' Up a Storm

(A/N: I do not own any of the characters of Invader Zim, and thusfar I do not plan to add a character of my own, unless it's really small. Yeah, so there you have it. )

"Oooh," cooed Gir, and he and reached out and dipped a single finger into the mess. Nothing happened. He lifted the finger to his wide eyes, and still nothing happened. Finally, just as he was about to put the sickening plasmic goop to his mouth, a voice rang about the kitchen.

"Who was it that created me, made me real?" cried the voice, deep and powerful. Gir said nothing, but looked around, astonished that the house was capable of speech.

Before his very eyes the goop changed to what appeared to be a glowing green man, small and pudgy, but evil looking besides. He lifted out of the bowl, and floated right above it, folding his legs and lounging in midair. His bulbous eyes peered over Gir, who was staring back with a blank look.

"So, metallic little runt," he coughed, hacking up green globs of waffle batter. He then stood in the air, raising his hands and looking all-powerful, if not a little short.

"I am Waffin, deity of batter, and you have released me from my prison of syrup by creating the necessary mix, then adding the ceremonial cherry. In return, I shall grant you one wish. But one only, so choose wisely."

Gir's stupefied face changed to ecstatically excited in a matter of seconds, and he squealed happily.

"I get a wish! I get a wish from the magical Waffle Leprechaun! Wheee!" He ran around and around, hands up in the air as he screamed for joy. Down below, Zim winced as he heard the robot's cries, and sighed.

"Best go check up on him," he growled, lifting himself up from the chair and taking the trashcan elevator upwards.

For five minutes Waffin watched the little SIR dance happily, but after five more minutes of trying to get the thing's attention, he raised his slopping arms into the air.

"ENOUGH! Either you decide your wish now, or I turn you into a pancake!"

Gir froze, the deep voice of the green batter resonating through the hallways of the house. His eyes peeled into a thoughtful, quizzical expression as he pondered just what he wanted. Unlimited sandwiches? A hat for piggy? Maybe -

"Gir!"

Zim had just stepped out of the trashcan, from the computer room. He eyed the floating mass of glowing waffle batter, and looked again at Gir before double-taking back to the glowing goo.

"What is that thing?" he asked in disgust, barely able to stand in the same room with the filthy glop of human radioactive waste.

"I am Waffin, Deity of Batter, and the robot you call 'Gir' has freed me from my prison. Thus, he gets on wish. And one wish only," the bearded waffle batter turned to Gir, looking down at the scrap metal 'bot with contempt.

"Choose wisely, young one, otherwise your wish will be for naught."

Gir looked to Zim, a blank expression on his metallic face. Then a smile broadened, and he said,

"I wish... -"

"No Gir! Wish for domination over the humans!" Zim shouted at the robot. Knowing the little idiot, he would wish for something as stupid as... mustard.

"Listen to your master, Gir. Wish for earth's domination!" he cried again.

"ENOUGH!" cried the Deity of Batter, "either you wish now, or I shall forget the whole process!

"No!" Gir cried, rushing forward and hopping in front of Waffin.

He opened his mouth, as if to say something, when he was distracted by a din from outside. On the sidewalks, children, no more than twelve years old, were galumphing about, being as children were, and simply throwing eggs at the gnomes in Zim's yard. Gir knew what he wanted to wish for.

He turned back to Waffin, ignoring Zim's piercing glares.

"I wish I were human!" he cried.


	3. Holy Cheese!

(A/N: I've gotten so many reviews! Squeee! -does a little dance- So, I'm a gonna keep going with this. Just 'cause you all luff me so. I dunno if I mentioned this yet, but all character 'cept Waffin belong to the almighty creator of JTHM, Happy Noodle Boy, Squee, and, of course, Invader ZIM, Jhonen Vasquez! -worships Vasquez shrine- I wanna be like him when I grow up. ") 

"WHAT!" cried both Waffin and Zim in unison. The two looked toward each other for a moment, before turning back to the robot.

Gir only grinned, shuffling his feet against the floor.  
"Lo-oks like fun," he squealed, looking up at the two prosecutors innocently. He had watched those humans for a while and they did seem to have a bit of fun, with their games and... the mother of all fun things... school! Zim was so lucky! He got to go to school and have recess and eat cafeteria food and be under the watchful eye of Ms. Bitters. But if he were human, he could go to school and have all the processed meat he wanted!

"But, Gir!" cried Zim, trying to convince him to choose something else as his wish, "You can have world domination! WORLD DOMINATION!" he shouted maniacally. Not too far off, a car alarm went off, and the children outside stopped chucking eggs to laugh at the stupid Zim inside. It was Waffin's turn to protest.

"Why do you want to be a filthy water sac like those humans? When you could wish for gold... and girls... and-"

"WORLD DOMINATION!"

"-and world domination. You could have anything! Why be an earth monkey?"

Gir paused for a moment before grinning furiously.

"For the processed meat!" he squeaked, hopping up excitably, working himself into a meat-induced frenzy. Before longhe was practically bouncing off the walls, shouting at the top of his fake lungs words like, "Meat", "Burger", and "sausage". Eventually, after minutes going past, Waffin yanked Gir out of the air and threw him to the ground in front of him.

"ALRIGHT! You shall have your wish, but I must warn you," his voice grew soft, to almost a whisper as he waved his hands dramatically, "Your wish is irreversible! You will be stuck as a human forever, never to be a robot again. Is this was you wish for?"

Gir nodded his head furiously, the marble, buttons, and string jangling inside.  
"Yes, yes, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes-"

Waffin did not let the little SIR continue. He lifted his dripping arms into the air, and shouted at the top of his lungs a curse, gargling out of his throat in some foreign tongue lost to humans, remembered only by the passing waffle. The air seemed to be vacuumed towards the deity, leaving Zim gasping for breath as the force of some strange power focused in on Gir.

"Ooh," was all the little robot managed before he was absolutely coated in a green light, and it was impossible to see him at all after that point. A roaring started, and Waffin seemed to be in some sort of trance as he moaned and groaned. Little squeaks could be heard from Gir as his body changed, as well as his internal organs.

"It tickles!" he cried from inside the green glow.

Suddenly, everything stopped. The air flow returned to normal, and Waffin floated to the ground, supposedly exhausted. Zim turned his attention to Gir, a green glowing mass laying on the floor.

"It is finished," whispered Waffin in a superficial tone. Zim's temper snapped as he wheeled on the gelatinous mess, pulling out a small blaster pistol in the process.

"It sure is," he whispered in a malicious tone, and the batter demi-god was ripped to pieces, forever lost in oblivion. He then wheeled on Gir, heading towards the robot in a fury, not unwilling to turn the gun on him as well.

"What were you thinking, Gir? Having that maniac in our house, performing some fake hoopla?"

The glowing form didn't move.

"Gir?"

Zim approached the mass, and when he finally knelt down, his light breath blew away the green film, to reveal.

"Holy Cheese, what is that?"

(Kinda short, I know. And a cliff hanger. Read and review please. Your reviews keep little Jim the crippled bunnyalive. Don't let Jim die...)


	4. Just Disgusting

(Heehee, I'm gonna lurve writing this chapter. I can /feel/ it. Oh, and about little Jim... He didn't get his Ritalin, so he got over excited and killed his little Bunny heart. Ah, well. That's the medicated life for you. Okay, chapter coming.) 

"Holy Cheese!" cried Zim, his red eyes widened to a frightening extent.

The creature before him was... was... hideous. What black magic had that rotting deity used upon his once (sort of) loyal servant robot? It had transformed Gir into a...

Soft, wavy locks of pale whiteblond hair curled around well-chiseled cheek bones, stopping above a nicely-shaped chin. A pointed nose peaked out from behind the messy hair that fell across pale face. It's eyes were the most hideous, though. They were absolutely huge, and as blue as the sky in summer. It was just... disgusting. Oh, but the nasty humanoid creature was not just a pretty face. Well toned muscles rippled under pallid skin as the creature sat up, and Zim breathed heavily in relief to find that the waffle god was kind enough to put some boxers on the human Gir. That's one less thing Zim had to grimace at.

The Gir human had sat up, shaking it's horrid, handsome head slowly, as if to clear it's marble-filled mind. Then it turned those hideous blue eyes to Zim and smiled a horrid, white-toothed smile.

"Make me a sandwich!" he cried, jumping to his feet, to simply fallon his face a second later. Human legs work a little different than robot ones, to put it shortly. He scrambled across the tile floor, looking for all the word like some pale, four-tentacle squid, at least in Zim's eyes.

"Gir, enough!" He cried, the short little alien not far from a fit of rage.

"Turn back into a robot now! That's an order!" The fuse was rather short. Gir managed to sit up, and looked up at Zim. He nodded, and as he replied "Yes sir!" in a sweet, disgusting tone of voice, those blue eyes seemed to take on a bit of a red tinge.

Gir clenched his fists and closed his eyes, and his pretty, but empty, little head was filled with the thought of being a robot. His whole body shook as he concentrated, and a small squeak was emitted from his clamped lips as he thought as hard as his tiny mind would allow.

"I can't..." he whined after a while. He opened his eyes once more and smiled that toothy, innocent smile.

"Damn!" Zim cried, and ran off, down to the computer, where he plopped himself in the chair and shouted at the screen.

"Computer! What resources do we have to change a human to a SIR robot?"

The great monitor whirred and clicked for what seemed like hours, when finally the monotone voice broke the silence.

"There is nothing in the database that can be used for human to robot transformation. Have a nice day."

Zim screamed, tearing at his antennae furiously. After he calmed down, he turned his gaze back to the computer.

"Computer! Create a larger dog suit! Gir will continue his roll as my dog on the filthy planet, and we will conquer. Do it now!"

The computer took on the business quickly, and soon a large, green dog suit lay upon the floor below the computer.

(Short... Blecchh. But done! Behold! The irresistibly cute human Gir! Whitish hair, big blue eyes, and nice body. Fun fun fun... Reviews are most loved. Unfortunately I have no more rabbits to threaten, so you'll just have to review without one of Jim's cousins.)


	5. We need Doughnuts!

(I'm sorreh I haven't posted lately... -cries- I've been so busy, and I hate it. Ah, well, summer's comin', so maybe I'll be open for fanfic goodness then. Anyways, on with the Gir-ness!

Oh, wait, I forgot. I have created an image of the human Gir, and it is currently sitting in my room, unable to be scanned and placed on the internet. But he's uber cute, in a sexy kind of way. Oh, and before anyone asks, this is not a romance novel, so there will be no ZimxGir DibxGir ZimxDib ZimxGaz GazxGir fluff anywhere. Though, I think the idea of Gaz and Gir would be cute... Eh, mebbe in a sequal or somethin'. Oh, and all the characters are now young teenagers. I'm guessing about... 14-15. They're all freshmen. A couple years went by, as I said in the first chappie. yeah, so just sayin' before anyone ish confizzled. Oh, for anyone's info, Gir is now in a 16-17-year-old's body.)

"But I don't wanna..."

"Gir, get on the suit, or you won't be able to go out with me."

"But I wanna go to school!"

"Dogs and robots don't go to school, Gir."

"But I wanna!"

Gir was standing in front of Zim, pale arms wrapped around his chest as his human body acknowledged the fact he was only in boxers. Gir had never actually been cold before, so at first the sensation had been quite incredible. He had sat on the floor, chattering his teeth and laughing every time a convulsive chill racked down his spine. But eventually the chill has gotten old, and Gir longed for something else. He wanted it to stop. But how do you stop the cold? He had talked at it awhile, but the chattering of his teeth made it hard. Zim told him he had to put on the dog suit, and he would be... "warm". But, Gir didn't want the dog suit. He got what he wanted. He was a human, and humans didn't wear dog suits. Except the old man on the corner of the street. But he didn't count.

"Just put it on, Gir. Maybe I'll take you to school... if you put the suit on."

Gir looked down at his skinny legs, which were shaking with the cold, and then back at the suit. He was twice as tall as Zim, and so was the suit. It's bogging eyes were staring up at him, and Gir stuck his tongue out at it. But he was cold...

"Okay..." he moaned, holding out his hands for the suit. He looked at his fingered, and wiggled each one individually, giggling as he did so. Zim groaned and shoved the suit into Gir's hands.

"Just get it on, Gir. If someone sees you, they may suspect something." Zim was furious he had lost his SIR robot, to be replaced with a disgusting, smelly human. What now? Every human knew he owned a dog, not a human. If they saw the new Gir then he could be revealed as an Irken.

Gir slipped the dog suit on, zipping it up his chest and lifting the hood up. He was still a dog, just taller and skinnier. Zim looked him up and down before sighing and rubbing his head.

"It'll have to do. Come one, Gir, we have to go the store."

"Store!" came Gir's muffled voice from inside the thick cotton. He pranced to the door, the black leash Zim held tugging at his neck. Zim opened the door, and they were outside. Gir breathed in deeply, having figured out breathing only hours ago. They are was pungently fresh compared to the house, and he found himself humming happily.

"Gir! Come on, let's go!" Gir trotted up to Zim, having mastered walking on his two human feet. Unfortunately, walking upright made him twice the size of Zim.

XXXXXXXxxxxxxxXXXXXXX

Dib was hiding in a bush across the street from where Zim and Gir stood, watching as Zim tugged the leash and made Gir turn a corner.

"Blast," Dib muttered under his breath as he brought his binoculars down from his eyes . He stood, his new lanky teenage body much taller than it was before, and his voice cracked as he muttered to himself.

"His dog is different than before... What has Zim done now?"

His heavy boots clunked against the sidewalk as he raced after Zim, staying a good way behind, so not to be seen. He followed them all the way downtown, to the grocery store, where Zim had picked a fight with a girl advertising the Crazy Taco.

"I don't want a taco!" screamed Zim to the skinny girl holding out tacos.

"Take a taco!"

"I don't want a taco, earth monkey!"

"Tmmhhph a tacomph!" she screamed through mouthfuls of a taco.

"I DON'T WANT A TACO!" Zim yanked at Gir's leash, tugging him into the store and away from the frightening taco seller. Dib ran in after, skirting the Taco Girl as much as he could.

XXXXxxxxXXXX

"We need doughnuts!" whispered Gir from inside the suit as they walked down the aisles.

"We don't," whispered Zim back as he shoved multiple boxes of sugary cereal into the cart. If there was thing on this filthy planet he liked, it was the cereal.

"Let's get out of here, Gir. We have what we need. And this time we'll take another door."

Gir nodded, and started to follow, when he fell flat on his face, Dib's boot having slipped in front of his leg.

"Hold still, robot, so I can show the world what you really are!" he screamed as he yanked at the hood back.

"NO!" screamed Zim

"HUH!" gasped Dib.

"I wanna doughnut!" cried Gir.

"How cute!" cooed the rest of the store's clients.

Gir sat up, grinning broadly and shaking his white hair out of his face.

"I'm doomed," whispered Zim despairingly.

(A/N: Woot! Long chappie. Oh, and Fiona...

There! Taco Girl! Behold! Oh, and the rest of you: Inside joke, really. Taco Girl may pop up every once ina while, but nothin' serious. Reviews are nice.) 


	6. WalMartia

((A/N: Ahh, the longness of time that I have not put up a chapter. I have a really short attention span. Bleh. XP Enjoy!))

"How cute is that!" exclaimed a middle aged woman from behind a loaded shopping cart. "Is it Halloween already?" The little toddler sitting amongst loaves of bread and hamburger meat stood up in his seat and tugged at Gir's hair.

"Lookit the puppy, Mommy! Lookit the puppy!"

Gir looked up innocently at Zim from his spot on the floor, and grinned widely, his pale cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Dib growled at Zim and shook the dog hood that he grasped in his thin hands.

"What happened, to your _robot, _Zim? Is this some new kind of disguise?"

Zim lifted a hand to accuse Dib of such a ridiculous theory, that he didn't want his SIR to be human at all, when he saw that quite a very large crowd had collected. Clearing his throat and putting one of the fake eyes back into place, he smiled a toothy grin and shook his head.

"Why, Dib, I'm hurt. All these years you've said I was an alien, and that's just silly. Does my foreign friend… Uh, Gir…spok, Girspok, look like an alien to you?"

People in the crowd nodded and mumbled agreement to what Zim had said. But Dib wasn't done yet.

"Alright, Zim. Where's your friend from, and why is her wearing a dog suit?"

Zim opened his mouth to say something, but found he had no words waiting. He was stuck.

"Ah'm from Walmart!" cried Gir, breaking the silence. Dib started to laugh.

"That's right," interrupted Zim, sweat beading down his green skin,

"He's from… WalMartia. The company is so big, they have their own little country in Europe."

"Oh," whispered a few from the crowd, and they went about their shopping business. One cashier shouted out, "What about the suit?"

Zim now had an answer prepared.

"That's what they wear in WalMartia. They want everyone to look like… dogs. Heh." He grinned.

"That's so stupid!" cried Dib, "Everyone knows there's no such country as WalMartia!"

"Actually, I think I heard about that place on the news a few nights ago," said the middle-aged woman with the toddler. A few more people agreed with her, and nodded their heads. Dib threw his hands up into the air, and glared daggers at Zim.

"You win the battle, but not the war, Zim," he whispered to the Irken once the crowd was gone, "Guys "Girspok's" age have to go to skool, and if he's not there Monday, people will start suspecting something."

Dib started to walk to the door out, but turned around while walking to say something more.

"They will start suspecting something, and I'll be the first one there to reveal who you're really are. I'd started sweating Zim, because there's nothing that -- oof!" He rubbed shoulder tenderly after having run into the door.

"See you at Skool, Zim." He left.

Zim looked down at Gir, growling under his breath.

"Looks like you're going to Skool, Girspok."

"Yay!"

((There ya go!))


End file.
